Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
