im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
