I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
