Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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