I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
