He had one of those small greek statue penises
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
