ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
