so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
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I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
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I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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