I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
