The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just pynch a tree in the face
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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