filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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