So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
