I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
