Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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