My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
