I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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