Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
