Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
