New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
