but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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