Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
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She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.