Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.