Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
