I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
