I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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