so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
