I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
