Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
