I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
