I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Me. At least after what I've been through.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
