Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
