come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
