I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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