this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
