when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
