i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
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Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize