The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
