Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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