the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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