i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
