I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
