u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
