and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
