Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
