woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
