Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
