This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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