I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
