i just sent this text using only my big toe
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
