Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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