yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
