New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
