Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
