You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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