I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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