She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
