I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
