Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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