If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
