just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
